To be human, it seems, is to be clueless. Even with the best of intentions, we often miss the mark when trying to connect and communicate.
And judging from the overwhelming number of animals, most of them former pets, in our area shelters, many humans don’t do too well in forming lasting bonds with dogs, cats, parrots, turtles, iguanas, hamsters, rabbits, roosters, et animalia. In times past, animals were called “Dumb Friends” because they didn’t speak. Well, they did then and do now, but not always in languages we understand. And it goes far beyond “Meow” and “Woof.”
In 1992, a Baptist minister named Gary Chapman published a book identifying 5 “Love Languages,” and the book seems to have at least as many lives as a feline. As with Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ 1969 best-seller regarding the five stages of grief, Chapman’s book persists in book clubs, support groups and endless online chats. Both books have spawned a shoal of imitators, which is disturbing. The enduring popularity of these perfectly fine, helpful, insightful books confirms that humans don’t know how to love or how to deal with loss, which are among the most basic life skills we can imagine. Check out “Sasquatch Sunset” for some uggah-uggah, basically non-verbal pointers.
And any discussion of love and loss leads to talk of pets among pet people. With the exception of parrots and tortoises, we almost always outlive our pets. This realization ought to send a shudder up the spine of anyone who’s smitten by a puffball in the form of a Husky puppy or irresistibly drawn to do a face-plant in the warm marmalade yummy-tummy of a drowsing ginger feline. We will all need to say goodbye one day, sooner than any of us would wish.
On that cheery note, now is the perfect time to love your pet better, using Chapman as our guide. It’s also possible that putting more effort into how we love our pets may improve how we love other people. As always, it begins and ends with observing and listening.
Chapman and his followers remind us that all of us respond to all five of the languages in varying degrees. For most of us, one or maybe two feel like our natural, native idiom. There is an element of trial and error. The example of cats and the fifth of Chapman’s five languages, physical touch, comes immediately to mind. All mammals thrive on physical touch because being touched in a non-threatening way allows the release of oxytocin, a brain chemical that produces a feeling similar to eating s’mores while wearing a pair of new cashmere socks. Cats are no exception. Watch a kindle of kittens interact, and after all of the showy toreador posturing and fierce, death-from-above pounces, there will be purr-y nose-glides, furry head bumps, hair-dos gotten and given, baths, group-grooming, full-body presses, chin-rests on the shoulders of companions, cuddling and snuggling. Yet, a cat may recoil from random human touch, leading to the incorrect conclusion that cats don’t want human contact.
In all but the most traumatized cases, this is untrue. But the challenge rests in the fact that the cat will decide when, where, how, and how much touch is apropos. Figuring this out and exercising the needed restraint and self-control (knowing when to stop) is especially challenging for cat lovers who still have their baby teeth.
Keep these five love languages in mind whenever you interact with a pet. Paying attention is the key, and your pet will generally let you know when you hit the sweet spot. Yes, the languages overlap, so we recommend showering your pets with polyglot expressions that cross all idioms of loving.
Words of Affirmation: “Who’s a good boy?” – often truncated into “Whoozagoooboy?” universally seems to motivate dogs. And, of course, the rhetorical praise may updated to “Who’s a good dog?” to avoid any pronoun prickliness.
In his 1994 book, “The Intelligence of Dogs,” psychology professor Stanley Coren states that an average dog can learn about 165 words, while a few canine superlearners may learn up to 250 human terms, similar to a bright toddler at two years of age. At the head of the class, regarding learning and applying verbal cues are border collies, poodles, German shepherds, Australian shepherds and golden retrievers.
By contrast, it’s generally maintained that cats can learn 20 to 40 words, 50 max. Either that, or they simply don’t respect your authority.
Without a doubt, our pets respond to tone of voice, facial expression, and body language probably more than the words used. With a smile, relaxed body stance, and Valley Girl upspeak, especially when shaking the treat bag or, in the case of a canine, the leash, you probably can say, “Brussel sprouts? Want some really stinky Brussel sprouts, boy?” or “Hey, girl! How about a six-month IRS audit?” and get a positive response from your pet.
Quality Time: For us, this language is the most powerful because it typically includes lots of the other languages. Quality time is defined as identifying and allotting uninterrupted time specifically devoted to the recipient. However, this may be less critical to pets than to fellow humans. Dogs, in our experience, are more than thrilled to accompany their humans on trips to the hardware store. Cats often seem perfectly content to stretch out across the desktop when we’re trying to type.
Dog people, in particular, are wise to carve out extra time every day for walks, hikes, swims, park expeditions and frisbee tosses, especially if your dog is a large breed and especially if your large breed dog has a high-energy personality. This advice is salient for people considering adding a dog to the family. Many dogs, especially large, young dogs, end up in our full-to-brimming shelters simply because there’s no one to play with.
Without adequate social interaction, bored, lonely dogs often turn destructive, and this may literally be a death sentence in a high-kill shelter. We find that dogs crave quality time with humans because they crave validation, including verbal affirmations (see above). How cats define Q.T. is less clear. There are indeed needy cats, and these will wind around your ankles and plant themselves on your lap whenever the opportunity presents itself. But overall, we know very few cats who really want to wear a party hat on their birthdays, for example, much less have the photo uploaded to social media. The imperious feline nature may explain this: any time a cat spends with YOU needs to be understood as Q.T. from the human perspective.
Receiving Gifts: Our quadruped companions tend to view every act of kindness as a gift. Meals, treats, pets, pats, walks, and naps all qualify. Since we are in the season of gifting, none of this is to say that you shouldn’t buy your pet a blinged-out collar, toys, a sweater, boots, or a new plush bed – check out the calfskin pooch cushion from Celine.com, at a cool $7,500 along with swanky elevated food and water dishes, etc. You should. Go For It. Knock yourself out.
Here, we must add that we’re frankly a bit miffed that Tiffany only offers its bone-china pet dish in signature robin’s-egg blue only in “dog.” Yes, we know that many more Americans own dogs than cats, but this still seems short-sighted.
Thankfully, Prada has the common sense to offer its bedazzled bandana without being species-specific.
But realize that you’re doing these things for yourself, really. If buying expensive stuff for your pet reinforces your bond, we’re all for it. In the bigger picture, if you want to make the world better for animals, including pets overall, you might consider donating (or matching) the shopping budget to the pet rescue or shelter of your choice or to a nonprofit that works to protect wildlife and our fragile big blue marble.
Switching gears to the subject of giving gifts, cats seem to take the upper hand (paw?) here since many love to leave little presents for their humans, especially dead rodents, lizards, grasshoppers and fledglings.
Dogs are overjoyed to present you with a heavily saliva-slimed tennis ball because they know it makes us happy. Thanks, Fido. Personally, we’re still holding out for the tangerine-bound Hermes makeup pencil set, a limited edition at a cool $2,192.
Acts of Service: Your pet may not seem to appreciate many acts of service performed on their behalf and, in fact, may even resist vigorously. But here is where we, as the species in charge of the car keys and the Visa card, do need to step up. The acts of service you seriously owe your pet have to do with the pet’s health and well-being. These acts start with getting your pet spayed, neutered, vaxxed, tested for common animal diseases, de-wormed as needed, and microchipped. Ongoing service requires paying constant, close attention to your pet, following up with flea treatments if needed, getting your pet professionally groomed when needed, dental care, etc.
Acts of professional service to your pet do cost money. There’s no escaping that fact. This is yet another reason that so many animals land in the shelters. We recommend exploring pet insurance, and simply going Tony Soprano and socking away some cold, hard cash in the freezer for an unanticipated pet emergency.
Physical Touch: Why do you think we call them “pets?” Mammals, in general, like to be touched. Many birds kept as pets also enjoy snuggling and very gentle fingertip scratches caresses.
Although we admire and appreciate reptiles, amphibians, fish, arachnids, crustaceans, cephalopods and insects, these creatures are not domesticated and therefore are not truly as well suited to life as pets, in our opinion. We do understand that the internet’s myriad octopus fanciers, for example, disagree. And we do know that it is possible, though weird, to bond with land hermit crabs, allowing us to observe their moults (disgusting and fascinating) and be held spellbound by their full-moon stridulations, a cricket-like, rasping chirping, perhaps inspiring the title, “Where the Crawdads Sing.”
Traumatized animals, including humans, may fear touch if they have survived violence and pain. This fear may be evidenced as withdrawing, stiffening, growling, hissing, aggressively lashing out, or sometimes multiple responses in quick succession. Cats and dogs send very clear physical messages when they don’t want to be touched. As always, observing closely is key.
As with ourselves, animals have physical boundaries. Some cats and dogs have issues with being touched in certain places on their bodies, especially if they have been hurt in the past. These variables often present challenges when we adopt an animal from a shelter. Often we don’t know the animal’s history, and sometimes, it isn’t too pretty. A dog that has been hit repeatedly with an extension cord may or may not leap into your arms with total and utter trust. Like us, they may be triggered by subtle cues, causing even the generally sweet-tempered to launch into reactive behaviors. This is especially problematic with children around.
Another wild card, as when dealing with Great White Sharks, is that some of our motions and movements may suggest those of thrashing, wounded, delicious prey animals. It may be amusing to realize that a 10-pound DSH feline can consider a 145-pound woman writer “prey.” But ‘tis so. Injuries created by cats are rarely deadly, but not so with canines. When some aspect of human countenance pushes a button somewhere deep in the dog brain, you, as in the Warner Brothers cartoons of our collective youth, suddenly take on the appearance of a giant, steaming chicken drumstick. G-r-r-r-, snap-snap-snicker-snack, and boom, yet another reason dogs end up behind bars.
Trainers can sometimes desensitize troubled animals through various techniques that reduce stress and anxiety, allowing physical contact to occur more easily.
Trust among all species is complex and must be earned. Earning trust, especially with a traumatized animal, requires time and patience, and sometimes special skills and tools; the compression vest is an example. And, as always, the long and rocky journey toward trusting love rewards us like no other.
This column wraps up Animal House for 2024. Thanks to all of you for your many wonderful contributions. And as you peruse posts from our friends at Lifeline for Pets, rest assured that all of those darling holiday outfits were painstakingly applied online using digital illustration tools.
Check out this special video of irresistible pet adoption holiday highlights. To learn more, go to www.lifelineforpets.org and click on “Adoptable Cats.” This will take you to thumbnails of all of the felines waiting to go to their furever homes.
Happy New Year, everyone!
This week’s pets in need of homes:
Click on photos to see larger images and captions.
