This is the second installment of our series on happier, healthier mothering.
Summer is peaking and, if we’re being entirely honest, some moms are secretly counting down the days until their kids are back in the classroom.
Needah Kavalliierou, M.A., founder of Wild Heart Mamas Coffee roasted by Jones Coffee of Pasadena, isn’t one of them. Not because she drinks so much coffee — in fact, she consumes modestly, to prevent buzz overload (she’s already very perky). But sipping a steaming mug of her Community Blend is usually just the intro to a long chat with fellow moms.
Creating and finding space for relaxed peer-bonding isn’t easy for most modern mothers. The reasons are complex. The nitty-gritty: many moms stuff too many appointments and activities into their children’s lives, and also tend to compare themselves with other moms doing the same. The result? Let’s just say that the wafting aroma of charcoal in the air isn’t just the neighbor’s Weber kettle in action. It’s massive maternal burnout, and it’s everywhere.
Presence Versus Productivity
Post-Gordon Gecko, who famously said “Lunch is for wimps,” our entire American society is currently snared in the rise-and-grind cult of productivity, often expressed in visible wealth and other material forms. When value is defined exclusively by what we do and what we possess rather than who we are, mothers and kids both suffer as a result.
Our sources uniformly weigh in on one thing: social media scrutiny makes it worse. A quick spin through any platform reveals slim, toned, smiling women with glowing skin and fabulous hair (and no burp-towel on the shoulder), strolling through immaculate homes and gardens with adorable children in tow. Either they’re zillionaires with a full team picking up the pieces, or they’re lying.
Kavallierou cites the “current of perfectionism” and “comparison culture” as magnifying the pressure on parents and children to constantly produce, perform, compete and achieve.
“Children have become a commodity,” says life coach and author Dr. Gertrude Lyons, “and their value is measured in their productivity. Some parents truly treat their kid like a profit center, starting with angling for a choice spot on the waiting list for the best preschool. It goes on from there.”
The Italians says “Dolce far niente”— so sweet to do nothing. This resonates in other quarters, especially in summer, but who’s actually living that way? Earlier this year, Forbes reported that the #softlife trend defined as “a relaxed, uncomplicated lifestyle that values peace and ease over stress and hustle culture” is gaining momentum.
This term originated in the Nigerian influencer community and surfaces often in Black media as pushback against the stereotype of the long-suffering, indomitable Black woman. Living intentionally with an emphasis on self-care in the key pillar, which sounds good — and we see little evidence of it in mothers of any complexion.
In Praise of Shmutz and Boredom
Kavalliero is in favor of dirt, as in kids playing in mud, looking under rocks for worms, drinking from the garden hose, kissing dogs and cats, and generally experiencing the physical world in all of its abundant messiness. This messiness, she says, sharpens critical thinking, allows children to make real-life mistakes and learn from them, and develop their problem-solving skills in ways that Minecraft (“That one’s a hard ‘no’ for us,” she says) cannot.
This approach parallels current findings about actual dirt, as in earth, soil, shmutz. Especially right now with our region’s understandable concerns about soil contamination from wildfires, and in the aftermath of COVID, most of us carry hand-sanitizer the way plague doctors carried scented sachet. It may not really do much, but it makes us feel better.
Over time, germs, like poverty, became linked with moral failure. Illness became associated with a dirty house. This phobia persists in spite of the fact that science now knows that an over-sterilized environment actually diminishes a child’s immune resistance.
In his co-authored 2017 best-seller “Dirt is Good: The Advantage of Germs for Your Child’s Developing Immune System,” University of Chicago microbiologist and then-new parent Jack Gilbert shocked readers by revealing that he and his family subscribe to the “five-second rule,” citing most exposures to germs as beneficial.
The authors cite the rise of allergies, asthma and eczema as probably linked to an antiseptic, primarily indoor environment, a lifestyle which hypersensitizes the immune systems of children.
The news that dirt is actually good for children should be received with relief by mothers. Likewise, coming to a place of acceptance that neither Marie Kondo nor Martha Stewart will be dropping by your home anytime soon with a film crew, and that unsorted laundry, dishes in the sink, or muddy footprints on the kitchen floor never killed anyone is also an occasion to give thanks.
This learning may also resonate as a blueprint for moms in regard to the shape of a child’s typical day. All signs seem to indicate that a goodly sprinkle of open space, downtime and an empty calendar allows children to encounter and cope with boredom because they’re not being constantly stimmed by planned activities.
In optimal settings, a bit of boredom, simply meaning unscheduled time, ignites energy. With “nothing to do,” an unoccupied child may be moved to alter a boring wardrobe item with needle and thread (paint, feathers, sequins), write a poem about being bored, or decide to read the Odyssey — in Greek.
In this way, mothers may re-consider boredom as opportunity. By deliberately leaving available time in a child’s schedule, an opening exists for engagement and inspiration.
Placing a random kazoo or ukelele in the kitchen may spark youthful curiosity. Ditto for a stack of books representing various topics. A box of art supplies, unpacked so they’re especially inviting, left in a quiet area may trigger welcome alternative to screens and scrolling.
We recently spoke with clinical psychologist Dr. Jenny Yip who lost her home in the Palisades fire. She and her family will soon decamp to Lisbon while the rebuild takes place. In keeping with our Hellenic theme, Dr. Yip has a quote from Socrates — “Know thyself” — tattooed in Greek on her inner arm.
As an OCD and anxiety specialist who experiences these conditions herself, Dr. Yip has created the “Stress Less Mama Masterclass: Boundaries Edition,” a self-paced digital course available at www.dryip.com. She is also the author of the new book, “Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts: Stop the Spiral of Anxiety and OCD to Reclaim Wellness on Your Motherhood Journey.”
She says, “Kids today don’t have freedom. We’ve forgotten that creativity and imagination come from doing absolutely nothing.”
She cites the fact that “…above 30 percent of college freshmen — one in three — won’t finish. This is the product of over-structuring when the child is in diapers. When they’re constantly micro-managed and structured as children, they don’t develop the intrinsic motivation and internal resilience to meet their adult potential.”
She also cites what she calls “PH Disease — Perfect Home Disease. Just keeping the house picked up and clean is a huge task, especially with kids. But add to this the energetic, mental and emotional load that women historically bear.”
Just then, her phone beeps — it’s the nanny, looking after Yip’s young twin boys. She takes the call, and everything is fine, thankfully. But as she hangs up, she says, “See there? See what I mean? She called me, because I’m the mom. She didn’t call my husband, although of course she could. He’s their dad. But those implicit messages are really dug deep in there.”
Yip observes that “…as girls and women, our value is tied to care for others. The cultural expectation is that girls will be helpful, caring, nurturing. No wonder girls grow up to serve.”
She accepts some degree of these biases within herself. “I really thought I was doing a good job of establishing healthy boundaries and sharing that invisible load with my husband,” she says, “until the fire happened. I then realized that all of the household assets, I mean important documents, things like passwords, files, account information, medical records, critical contacts, it was all in my hands, because I’d always managed appointments and things like that.”
What’s a Mother to Do?
We polled our experts from Pasadena to Chicago to Crete on the subject of mama burn-out, and they offer a number of ideas and steps to make summer less stressful and more pleasurable for moms and kids.
Deconstruction of that monster activities schedule is at the heart of it all. Consider these tips, and try a few that make sense for you and your child:
- From Dr. Gertrude Lyons: Approach your child like a gardener instead of a carpenter. This shift reconsiders child development as an organic and often unpredictable process of discovering and nurturing a child’s true nature, versus forcefully carving or molding the child to meet external criteria.
- From Dr. Jenny Yip: With props to the late Nancy Reagan, Just. Say. No. Moms are allowed—even encouraged to say no to even the sweetest social opportunities and invitations that strain the seams of the calendar. Yip and her crew graciously decline attending activities on Sundays, keeping that day purely for playing, resting, relaxing and bonding within their own family unit.
- Needah Kavallierou seconds that emotion. Like the Yip family, she and her husband and boys are big on old-school board games. And Kavallierou suggests that one special activity for a child — martial arts, violin lessons, learning a new language — may be enough this summer. She says “One extracurricular is enough. Your child doesn’t need to do everything. Their soul needs margin. So does yours.”
- From Christina P. Kantzavelos: “Say no to one thing a week. Create a ‘not to do list’ of items like taking on new projects, comparing yourself to others, responding to emails after 5 PM, etc.” She adds “Saying no is not a rejection of your child. It is a commitment to your own wholeness, which in turn gives your child permission to grow into a full and balanced human too. You are their first and prime example. They mirror your nervous system. You do not need to earn the right to rest, and children do not need to be entertained and ‘optimized’ every hour of the day.”
Additional Advice from the Experts for Preventing ‘Mama Burnout‘
- Shift from a productivity mindset to a presence mindset. Overscheduling leads to disconnect, because both mother and child focus on the activity instead of their personal, intimate interaction.
- Skip researching summer college prep courses for your child (especially since the kid is only six years old…) and do something physical together instead…just for the fun of it, like making pancakes, or making a huge mess with clay, papier-mâche or paint, or taking a walk, bike ride, hike, swim, yoga-stretch sesh, or (the best!) cranking up the tunes for a barefoot kitchen dance-off.
- Delegate whenever possible.
- Resist peer-pressure to purchase smartphones for your kids.
- Steer clear of “sandbox” games like Minecraft where adults can chat with your child without leaving a trail.
- Check out child-centric Bark and Gabb devices.
- For your own peace of mind, apply parental controls to any devices you hand to your child.
- Try a mom-swap or co-op model. Trade childcare hours with a trusted friend to create protected solo time.
- Normalize asking for help, even with things you think you “should” be able to do alone.
- Seek therapy.
- Find or create a safe social space, ideally in person, with other women and families where you as a mother feel seen, heard, understood and supported.
- To dads and other partners: step up. Now would be good. Needah Kavallierou says “Men need to stop ‘helping’ and start sharing the weight. If you live in the home and helped make the babies, it’s not ‘help,’ it’s called parenting. Own it.”
- “Don’t wait to be asked, Moms are not managers assigning chores—we’re humans craving partnership. Notice what needs to be done. Take initiative.”
